One of the biggest challenges we face is having relationships or encounters with people who are incapable or unwilling to hear what we have to say. They are dogmatic with their own opinions and cannot see or accept alternative viewpoints. You may listen attentively to them, offer empathy and sensitively communicate your thoughts and feelings, but this just isn’t reciprocated. It’s easy to say just steer clear of people like that, but what if that’s difficult, if not impossible? What if that person is someone you’ve had a child with or your boss?
I know many of us experience people like this during the course of our lives, but what can we do when faced with such deafness and intransigence? One of my responses, which is a very natural one, has been to get angry and invariably end up in a row that results in no positive outcome. You know the one. You come off the phone, the anger persists after the exchange, but you feel your grievances are even more justified now and relish the fact that you’ve given that person a piece of your mind! Or an alternative response of mine has been to accept and internalise their viewpoint, especially when it comes to any criticisms of me. I have believed that I really am as deficient and defective as they’ve said I am. I’ve used this information to feed my inner critic - he’s called Slash and looks very much like a Dementor from the Harry Potter films and not the lead guitarist from Guns ‘n’ Roses, who would be far less sinister. I go about systematically decimating my self-worth. I’ve felt intense guilt and shame at being the awful person they describe and can identify so much corroborating evidence to support their assessment of me. In essence, any anger gets turned inwards and has contributed to bouts of excruciating depression. Neither response has done anyone any favours in the past, far from it.
Fortunately, counselling training and my own therapy has really helped me when dealing with these kinds of people now. To be an effective counsellor, we are taught that we need to offer clients unconditional positive regard and empathy. Of course, this sounds easy when dealing with those who are initially strangers and have come to see us for help and support. Being wonderfully flawed humans though, means that this is much harder to do with those we need to maintain a relationship with, particularly where we are not offered the same in return. But doing so, along with finding compassion, has enabled me to become more accepting. I accept that I may not be treated in the same way, but that is their choice and not something I can control. I accept that the person may be inflexible and incapable of change at the moment, but that is not my fault or responsibility. I accept that there are reasons, many of which may be out of their awareness, that cause them to behave the way they do. By accepting this, I am able to make space for greater compassion. I also accept that I get things wrong and I hold myself accountable for my words and actions. I offer a sincere apology when I get things wrong and behave badly myself.
So, do I still get angry and want to punch and kick the living shit out of something or someone sometimes? Oh my god, yes! When I saw the recent images of aggressive, violent, racist people leaving a trail of physical and psychological destruction in their wake, I was incensed and wished them great harm. I am human after all and feeling angry is normal, but greater acceptance and compassion means that the rage and those vengeful desires are more short lived. As hard as it is sometimes, I understand that people sometimes act in extreme ways as a result of deep, burning fears created as a consequence of their own experiences and circumstances. It’s also easy for the knowing and nefarious individuals with a bit of a platform to tap into the fears and insecurities of people who already believe they have little or no opportunities, and that they themselves go unheard. I’m not excusing their actions, because they cannot be excused, but perhaps attempting to better understand them and making space for some compassion will have a more positive impact than just demonising them and retreating to polarised camps. It takes courage though, but there’s enough evidence if you look for it, to give us hope.
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