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Freedom from shame

Writer's picture: AndyAndy

A few years ago now, I sat down to watch the Freedom film about George Michael expecting to just rediscover some of his wonderful songs. Instead, I feel like I discovered his music for the first time and gained a poignant insight into his vulnerabilities. Here was a man who authentically and stubbornly pursued his ambitions as an artist and was uncompromising in his desire to exercise professional and creative freedom in the face of industry pressure. I admire the stand he took against Sony so much, but more than that, I admire how he allowed himself to become vulnerable when it came to love. However, I also wonder about the pain of hiding your sexuality for such a long time and denying yourself the chance to experience the joy of loving and being loved. Then to actually find that love and acceptance only to lose your partner to HIV/AIDS after such a short time together. I often wonder how people cope when they endure such intense pain.


Many of us hide aspects of our true selves. In fact, we often do it for so long and so effectively, that they become lost and forgotten to us. Why do we do this? Fear. And fear leads to shame, which in turn produces the most excruciating emotional pain. We learn shame at an early age and the pain of it persists and can profoundly influence us as adults. When I personally think of shame, I think of those occasions as a young boy when I was upset and tearful. It could have been for any number of reasons, but the message received was fairly consistent and arrived in the form of statements like “don’t be such a big girl’s blouse” or “stop being such a softie”. Unsurprisingly then, like so many boys receiving these messages, I learned that it was weak and shameful to express certain emotions, particularly fear and sadness. To express them becomes too dangerous, because that could lead to the ultimate punishment - rejection. 


So, shame needs others to develop, but oh how well it then thrives when held in the depths of our psyche. When we fail to parent perfectly, get promotion, earn enough money, be emotionally strong enough etc., the shame grows and strengthens. To acknowledge our fears and voice them makes us vulnerable and this often feels too risky as we continue to go about life in our Iron Man suits. We protect ourselves using strategies like ‘foreboding joy’, where we turn things like the immense love and happiness we might feel as we watch our child sleep, into mental preparation for all the terrible fates that might befall them. We won’t allow ourselves or think we’re worthy enough to appreciate those individual, fleeting moments of joy. Brene Brown, in her wonderful book ‘Daring Greatly’, talks at length about how we often use strategies like this and that ultimately, they reinforce what we fear most - disconnection. She also reminds us about how so many keep the shame buried and employ other destructive coping mechanisms to escape from or numb the pain of shame e.g. addiction.


What’s the solution? How can we free ourselves of the pain that comes with shame? It’s not easy. Shifting from being a perfectionist, to saying and believing ‘I am good enough’ is bloody hard! It takes the courage to ‘lean in’ to vulnerability and allow empathy, the antidote to shame, to work its magic. Shine a light on your fears and share them with someone you trust. In my experience, when you do, the most common response is “I know how that feels”. Bringing your fears out of the shadows is a leap, but think about the potential rewards. Think about the freedom.

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