Perfect imperfections

When I heard or saw the word intimacy, I would always immediately think of sex. Although that probably tells you a lot about how my male and animalistic mind used to fire, I wonder how many others immediately think the same? More than a few I’d wager.

Physical intimacy has always felt easy for me. I’m naturally very tactile and an avid fan of the ‘sins of the flesh’, although I certainly do not consider them sins. However, in my fifty plus years, I have become aware of some practices that probably could and should be considered sins. I remember once stumbling across a documentary on Channel 4 about some American people who had very intimate relationships with their animals. One woman featured talked fondly about being married to her stallion. An actual stallion! Anyway, I digress and frankly don’t want to think about that programme any more. I’m feeling quite nauseous now.

I’m aware that I could do with losing some weight to help look after my physical health, but I’m generally okay with the way I look; I’m pretty accepting of my perfect imperfections. I know this is not true of everyone though. Women in particular - although it’s increasingly affecting men - often suffer with negative body image. The constant bombardment of sociocultural ideals surrounding beauty is wholly to blame for this. Of course, these images do not represent the reality for the vast majority of us mortals, but it helps fuel huge demand for the hideous, overpriced crap peddled by the beauty industry. I was reminded of this regularly when my then 15 year old daughter used to tell me how she’d just spent £20 on a new lipstick or had just counted up the cost of all her cosmetics and it came to over £300! She knows how I feel about the cosmetics industry and told me solely to wind me up. It always worked.

The fact that this soulless, profit driven promotion of an ideal contributes to so many people being unable to love and appreciate their bodies, or get naked with sexual partners unless the lights are off, makes me so angry. According to a March 2019 Mental Health Foundation and YouGov survey,  among teenagers, 37% felt upset, and 31% felt ashamed in relation to their body image. Just over one third of adults said they had felt anxious (34%) or depressed (35%) because of their body image. These statistics make for deeply sad reading and shame on all those companies who sacrifice basic morality and compassion for profit. Now, this may not be the result of a large survey, but I have never met a man or woman who finds a thin, curve-less body attractive. Also, I have never met a man who admires women who wear huge amounts of make-up and have weird lines where eyebrows should be - you know, the ones that give the impression the person is constantly surprised. Nor have they waxed lyrical about filler inflated lips on botox filled expressionless faces. The more wounded males might mock them, but thankfully, the majority of decent men (and they are the majority) express shock and sadness that some women feel it necessary to mutilate themselves in this way.

My sincere hope is that everyone can learn to love and appreciate their body, and relish others enjoying it too. Alongside this, wouldn’t it be great if we could all embrace emotional intimacy too. As with the physical, this can be hugely challenging, but it is far more important. It can be bloody scary to share our innermost thoughts and feelings with another person, no matter how intimate with them we may be in other ways; we feel exposed and vulnerable. ‘What if it all comes out wrong? What if they misunderstand me? What if they judge me negatively? What if they reject me?’ etc. These fears often become paralysing, so then we don’t share and these precious bonds cannot deepen. A physical connection is easy by comparison, but not ultimately as fulfilling as the emotional intimacy we can create with others. It took me a long time to understand this and even more time to develop the courage to put it into practice. As frightening as it may be, I wholeheartedly recommend it. Apart from the personal benefits of emotional intimacy, it helps foster much greater empathy and compassion for our fellow perfectly imperfect humans, something which is sadly lacking in many parts of our world at the moment.